Because I Am Just A Kindergarten Teacher!

Was catching up with my "How I Met Your Mother" watching the other day. I have never seen Season 8 so bought it the other day when it was on pretty good discount.

In one of the episodes it was revealed the Lily Aldrin (played by Alison Hannigan) stole an extremely expensive ashtray from an art collector simply because he said "you are just a kindergarten teacher" (so what do you know about art?). When her husband Marshall (played by Jason Seagel), who is an environmental lawyer applying to be a judge found out, he confronted her. During the heated argument Marshall asked Lily why was she so upset about the comment, she replied in tears, "Because I am just a kindergarten teacher!". She went on elaborating the disappointment about how she let her dreams of being an artist went because other priorities came up. She did not regret her choices but she regrets giving up her dreams and now the same dream will stay as a distance dream making her feeling unfulfilled for the rest of her life.

Her comment led me to think about my life and some of my friends' lives. A lot of us were brought up and being taught we can do anything when we grow up. We thought and wrote about our ideal jobs and professions when we were kids. If you are in a traditional Chinese family, you would be taught as long as you work hard dreams could become reality. Some of us even made it to the university or vocational training that we hoped for. But then how many of us did make a success from our ideals?

Becoming an actor is what I always wanted. I missed a chance because of family objection when I was young but I was lucky enough to have another chance after I grew up. During the process I get know a lot of other actors and artist friends. We all struggled to get a foothold in the industry but we continued to work hard. Eventually some gave up and went doing something else because life, or as some put, reality kicked in. A lot of time it is because of relationships and family that one must be responsible and be more selfless. This is exactly the case with Lily Aldrin, who gave up art to become a mother. She was happy most of the time until she got reminded about her unfulfilled dreams.

I felt extremely shaken when I watch that scene. While we all tried to be strong on the outside, inevitably there will be moments we feel fragile and exposed with our inadequacies in life. I cannot say that I am happy with where my acting career is going at the moment. But I am grateful I have a caring agent who managed to get occasional work for me so when tax time comes I can still say I am an actor. However I do have moments I thought "I am just something else". I can relate to Lily completely.

Life has ups and downs and so do career. However if you want to be in an art industry as a performer or artist, the chances are probably lows will be more than highs (by this I don't mean getting high on drugs...). However this is still a rewarding industry when your hard work paid off because this is an extremly subjective industry and a lot of time it is not "may the best actor win". Acting is not computer programming where you can run a beta to ensure its success. When I decided to become an actor I was well aware of this. Even teachers at the Theatre School reminded us of this when we graduated. As a result like most actors I have a day job to pay expenses while working hard and waiting for that break that may or may not come. I don't complain about it even at times of frustration because this is how the industry works. However this does not stop those "kindergarten teacher" moments from happening.

For me these moments usually happen when seemingly certain and stable situations became uncertain. When this happens I would think "I wish I were already a constantly working actor...but I am just a (fill in the blanks)" These could be depressing thoughts and sometimes dangerous if you are an artistic person who tend to follow your heart over your mind. However when we think deeper we know that we made certain decisions to become who we are now because we thought in the past this is best for us. For me understanding this helps me to minimise any unnecessary regrets. Is this the perfect recipe for everyone? Absolutely not. We were all trained and brought up in different ways and each of our situation would be different. But I do believe understanding yourself is the key to beat regrets in life.

It hurts to realise your dreams are bettered by reality but the dagger of life won't stab and twist as much if we have a strong defence for our heart - and this comes from self-understanding. That's how I see it.