One is not a Lonely Number

Was talking on the phone with a friend this morning. He said he avoided a dinner with his uncle last night because he was sick of being asked why he is still single. In a completely different context, I was having lunch with a few friends and we talked about going to the theatre and the cinema. I told them that I went to movies and plays by myself most of the time and one of them was shocked to the core. She asked me: “How can you do that? That is such a lonely experience!”

As we grow older, a lot of things were expected of us. We got slotted into doing different “suitable things” at different “suitable ages”. Obviously, some of my friends and I are in the bracket of getting married or having a family, if not seeing someone. Being still single and wandering around in the concrete social jungle by myself at this age suddenly became something that is inconceivable. My parents had long since given up the idea of asking me when I am going to settle down and get married. I remember when I last visited home for the Chinese New Year my grandaunt asked me, “Now you have bought your own property, are you ready to get married?” I looked at her, smiled, and said, “If I want to get married, I would find someone rich enough to buy me a property so I don’t need to have a mortgage.” A beautiful dodge of the bullet in my opinion and my grandaunt found it funny and couldn’t stop laughing.

My parents always said that getting married or settling down with someone is to avoid being lonely in the future. Well, there were a lot of people who eventually did not make it to the end, so I certainly could not see the correlation. In fact the society had evolved to a point that relationships between the two genders are no longer symbiotic. Marriage is an option but no longer a necessity. That is not to say the old system is completely out of the window but we surely do have a lot more options. Even when someone enters a marriage nowadays there are always ways out. For me if I entered a marriage I would not want a way out but the option is always sitting there if you need it. It’s like a fire exit that shows up when there is fire. The best scenario is a lasting marriage with both parties living happily “ever after”. I always admire them when I see elderly couples are still so in love with each other. However, the simple mortality of all living organisms would still eventually kick in leaving one party in limbo. Now I am not trying to be gloomy but death is a fact that nobody can escape. I have been to funerals witnessing someone’s loss of life partner. I certainly did not like the feeling of you getting used to someone for decades and that personal suddenly is not there anymore. How do you deal with that then?

My upbringing had made me into a very independent person. I can cook, and according to some, pretty well. I am very emotionally independent so rarely need a shoulder to cry on. Also as you went through different relationships you gradually know what you want and what you don’t want in a relationship. And some of my friends were telling me that my expectations are simply unrealistic and chances for me to find a life partner is almost zero. Mum and some friends did on different occasions asked me to lower down my expectations because according to them “they are not doing me any good relationship-wise”. However, for me I do enjoy my serenity of not having someone to nag me on things; I do think I like to be left alone as who I am; I do want to do things according to my heart not to some social or relationship conventions; and the list goes on. For me if these are too much to ask for then I would happily stay single and be myself.  I would rather live a life by myself and be happy instead of living my life with someone and compromise.

As for doing things by myself, I never see that as an issue until from time to time people bring them up. In my opinion, going to see a movie or a play, or going to a concert is a very personal experience. You experience the story being told by yourself and you feel the spirit of the music being played by yourself. It is not like you found a great CD and you want to share with the rest of the world. Experience in a theatre or an auditorium is completely yours and nobody else. So I cannot understand why people would call this a very lonely experience. Some people said that if you go with someone you could share the experience. Yes that is true but then that is after or in between shows. So it has nothing to do with the experience itself. Also nowadays, you don’t really need to have someone around to share with someone. Modern communication technologies have provided a lot more platforms for us to share our experience, views and ideas in an immediate manner. Surely it is nice to have a great dinner with friends, then theatre and then drinks, but are they all necessities? That is the question.

Do I sometimes feel lonely? Yeah I do but then isn’t that the same for everybody? I have heard people who are in relationships who feel extremely lonely. Loneliness is a personal feeling that creates a void that sometimes no amount of relationship or company can fill. It is a product from a particular pairing of a specific emotional and mental state of mind. No one can escape it – single or not. The question here is whether that kind of occasional loneliness warrants you to give up what you have now to look for something else? Certainly for some people it does and I genuinely feel happy for them. But for me at the moment I treasure for being who I want to be over being dictated by some occasional feelings that bubbled up in my chest out of nowhere.

That is not to say that I would not get married or go into a relationship. I am sure if someone comes along and “swept me off my feet” I would change my state of mind. But at the moment, one is not a lonely number and I do enjoy getting a table for one whenever I go out.