Was sitting at a shopping mall having KFC. As I was
munching through the crunches of the heavily flavoured chicken with oil
dripping from my fingers, I couldn’t help but notice that it was Saturday
afternoon, and everyone was at the mall. There were families of several
generations coming out for a good day out (or in, depends on whether you think
going to the mall is going “out”). Young parents were caring for their babies and toddlers in
their prams, and some elderly parents were being taken care of and being
wheeled around in their wheelchairs. They seemed to be happy just being
together.
As I watched and observed as usual, I started to feel how
strange our lives come around in a circle. We were being pushed around in prams
at the beginning of our lives and then after decades of living, could end up
being pushed around in wheelchairs again. Life is pretty cruel I reckon. When
you are back to the stage of being wheeled around again, it is not because you
can look forward to walk and move around again but you were unable to do so
anymore.
I am never a fan of growing old. I even hate the word old
unless it is about wine. But then I prefer to use the word vintage. I certainly
understand that growing old is a process nobody can avoid, but why does the
process of growing old need to be so painful and depressing in some cases? Watching
yourself not being able to perform basic tasks that used to be just something
so natural is hard to accept. I have observed my granny’s process of growing
old. God bless her cos she is very good for her age, but I can still remember
the frustration she had when she found out that certain easy tasks are no
longer easy. As family members we helped out but her frustration of losing that
autonomy to perform certain tasks really edged inside me. Now seeing my parents
growing old and hearing some issues they have, I feel like my sense of security
for people around me is being continuously eroded by the waves of time. This
frustrates me.
I certainly try to keep myself on the watch, as I cannot
escape growing old either. Some friends think that I am over-reacting to the
whole growing old thing, but I know what family medical history we have, I read
about potential issues, I just want to help myself to minimise the impact of
this growing old thing. I have no idea what I would become when I grow old but I
always advocate to have myself admitted into a home when the time comes. Some
people think that I am too pessimistic about this but I just think I am being
pragmatic so I feel less sad when that day arrives.
I always maintain life is cruel and want to get the most out
of it instead of just living what most people think is a normal life. So when the day arrives, I can look back
and understand that I did live a life I want (mostly for there will be things
that I might not be able to achieve) and reduce the sad factor as much as
possible.
I am not afraid of death and in fact death is a relief for
me but I just don’t like the process of getting there. My belief does not
believe in ending things your way but when life is no longer a life should we
be lingering on? That is a question I always have in my head.
This post might sound very grim and depressing, but that is
not my purpose. I just want to record my thoughts while they struck me so I
know at a certain point of my life, this is me and my mentality. I don’t know
whether this would change or not, but at this moment, at this hour, this is
part of me in this circle of life.
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