How Costly Are Our Dreams?

Have been addicted to Downton Abbey since it first came out. Great writing with a great cast really brought this upper class family struggling with reality of the world to life. It is now well into the third season and although it is not on air yet, there is nothing but expectations.

As I watched the latest Christmas special that ties up a lot of loose ends from the second season and sowed seeds for the third season, a recurring theme keeps getting stuck in my head – how costly are our dreams?

We obviously are no longer living in a strict and rigid class society, but class did not disappear. It might have disappeared structurally but certainly not socially. When I was a kid, I was taught that I should chase my dreams. But when we grow up we start to face the truth of the world and start putting price tags on our dreams.

Cost – the highest value option forgone to obtain another item of the same intrinsic value; is a two-edge sword. It can motivate us to overcome difficulties to achieve what we want to achieve, but at the same time, it can also become the invisible wall that turns us back from who we want to be.

In the Christmas special of Downton Abbey, Matthew met up with Mary to pay tribute to the late Lavinia, and returned her father’s ashes to her grave, as he wanted. Isobel was the bystander. After they parted, Isobel pointed out the obvious and pursued Matthew on the matter with Mary. Matthew replied, “I deserved to be unhappy. So did Mary”. Isobel replied, “Nobody deserved to be unhappy. If you think so then the war had taught you nothing.” – very simple but straight to the point.

Matthew and Mary had been through a lot, and the to and fro had built up a price that both understood as too high to be paid. That is similar to our lives from time to time. We chase our dreams but at the same time we need to make a living. And then making a living became such a big part of our lives that, chasing our dreams gradually became irrelevant. But when we took our dreams out again, the cost of chasing it became so high that sometimes they look unsurmountable.

I have never been a person who likes to compromise. However, at times, I did think I have no choice but compromising. What can you do when you have a student loan to pay off? Rent / mortgage to be paid? A family to support? When we arrived at that stage, chasing our dreams seems nothing but a luxurious item with a cost that we cannot bear. So we settled down. Settling down is painful for me and it depresses me. Matthew and Mary thought by settling down, even if they were not happy, they could avoid the cost of pursuing what they wanted and thus be the best solution for everyone. But is that so? Are they really not going to regret their decisions? Is it being unhappy for life less costly than taking a risk and doing a leap of faith? This is a question that I always have in my head.

One may thinking this kind of issue only affect people who are materially worst off as they have to meet their daily needs. I can assure you that this might look like so but it is far from so. I know people who are particularly well off, but they face similar problems. Their problems might not be material but of social. May that be family expectations or simply their dreams were not acceptable in their society. Sybil’s love for the chauffeur is a classic example. It was not socially acceptable and she knows it will cost her a lot to chase this dream. It is a matter of a leap of faith for the dream that she had – not knowing whether you would land on solid ground or fall off the edge of the world.

No one can guarantee the result of this leap, but for me the question is whether it is worth it if I crash and burn with the leap? Dreams, same as everything, are no free lunches.  But then there is always a second question – is regret a higher price to be paid?  As Isobel said, “nobody deserved to be unhappy”. So am I making myself unhappy so that I feel like I got an easier way out now? If the easier way out is just a one-way ticket to regretville, is it all worth it? I think that is a dilemma that us mortals will have to face from time to time during our lives.

The Circle of Life

Was sitting at a shopping mall having KFC. As I was munching through the crunches of the heavily flavoured chicken with oil dripping from my fingers, I couldn’t help but notice that it was Saturday afternoon, and everyone was at the mall. There were families of several generations coming out for a good day out (or in, depends on whether you think going to the mall is going “out”).  Young parents were caring for their babies and toddlers in their prams, and some elderly parents were being taken care of and being wheeled around in their wheelchairs. They seemed to be happy just being together.

As I watched and observed as usual, I started to feel how strange our lives come around in a circle. We were being pushed around in prams at the beginning of our lives and then after decades of living, could end up being pushed around in wheelchairs again. Life is pretty cruel I reckon. When you are back to the stage of being wheeled around again, it is not because you can look forward to walk and move around again but you were unable to do so anymore.

I am never a fan of growing old. I even hate the word old unless it is about wine. But then I prefer to use the word vintage. I certainly understand that growing old is a process nobody can avoid, but why does the process of growing old need to be so painful and depressing in some cases? Watching yourself not being able to perform basic tasks that used to be just something so natural is hard to accept. I have observed my granny’s process of growing old. God bless her cos she is very good for her age, but I can still remember the frustration she had when she found out that certain easy tasks are no longer easy. As family members we helped out but her frustration of losing that autonomy to perform certain tasks really edged inside me. Now seeing my parents growing old and hearing some issues they have, I feel like my sense of security for people around me is being continuously eroded by the waves of time. This frustrates me.

I certainly try to keep myself on the watch, as I cannot escape growing old either. Some friends think that I am over-reacting to the whole growing old thing, but I know what family medical history we have, I read about potential issues, I just want to help myself to minimise the impact of this growing old thing. I have no idea what I would become when I grow old but I always advocate to have myself admitted into a home when the time comes. Some people think that I am too pessimistic about this but I just think I am being pragmatic so I feel less sad when that day arrives.

I always maintain life is cruel and want to get the most out of it instead of just living what most people think is a normal life.  So when the day arrives, I can look back and understand that I did live a life I want (mostly for there will be things that I might not be able to achieve) and reduce the sad factor as much as possible.

I am not afraid of death and in fact death is a relief for me but I just don’t like the process of getting there. My belief does not believe in ending things your way but when life is no longer a life should we be lingering on? That is a question I always have in my head.

This post might sound very grim and depressing, but that is not my purpose. I just want to record my thoughts while they struck me so I know at a certain point of my life, this is me and my mentality. I don’t know whether this would change or not, but at this moment, at this hour, this is part of me in this circle of life.

When the best was not good enough

The Olympics has now been in full swing for 3 weeks. Australian athletes have been battling out with all the other best athletes around the world – China, US, Russia and the list goes on. Stakes are high and competitions are stiff.

Australia’s performance so far has been a constant debate – did our athletes do enough? Why are we having less gold as compared to our last game? What went wrong? Are the athletes good enough?

Whenever I read articles on people criticising our athletes when they failed to score gold I got annoyed. Humans are judgemental creatures, that’s for sure, otherwise I will not be writing this blog. But sometimes when we judge, are we giving people sufficient space for the benefit of the doubt? Olympics is a world class game. These athletes trained all their lives just for the game and a lot of them didn’t even have the financial support to get them through. I find it very unfair when someone sitting in front of a terminal watching the games, then just put their judgemental thoughts into words and threw them out without understanding all the hardships these athletes went through.

Yes, it will be great if they score gold, but when they are doing their best and their best is just not good enough to pull them through, should we judge? Have we forgotten all the sleeps they lost during these years for training, the financial hardship some of them had gone through, the mental breakdowns that were dealt with privately off the screen and the immense pressure they havdswhen they were out their in the fields, in the pool or at the stadium? It is always easy to judge but are we judging fairly? That is the question.

Being a kid brought up in a traditional Asian family environment, we grew up being judged all the time. We were being judged by our cultural behaviours, our academic merits, our music or sports merits if we took up any of these extra-curricula activities and of course our professions when we finished education. Sometimes I found it hard to swallow when my parents will just went through all the subjects I only scored around the 80s and 70s simply because they are not good enough – yes everything needs to be in the 90s. I am used to it although some people do wonder how we can survive, but I managed. For me the hard to swallow part was not the criticism but the focus on the failures instead of appreciating my efforts. And this applies to our Olympians.

I always maintain the view that if you are going to compete you should aim to win. I am never a big fan of participate just for the sake of participating. Sure I don’t want to give myself pressure but I will do whatever it takes (in a legal and ethical manner) to win if I participate. So I am sure our Olympians will have the same attitude. However, as with anything in life, what you put in does not always materialise into the desire outcome. If they won gold, that’s great, but if not, as long as they gave their best, I think we should appreciate their efforts to try and do their best. Writing articles like “Does blah blah blah still has what it takes?”; “What went wrong with blah blah blah”; “A disappointing blah blah blah with disappointing results” are nothing but mean, inconsiderate and heartless.

The only time I think someone warrants such kind of criticisms is when they didn’t try and just give up. That lack of spirit and respect for what you are doing deserves outrageous criticisms. However, when someone gave his / her very best and got out done by even better competitors; or they gave their very best but their bodies had reached their limits given the circumstance, then we should just leave them alone or even give them our full support no matter what the outcomes were.

It is always easy for us to judge when we were not the people who gave the hard yards and put ourselves out there. However, are we doing good to the world or other people when we do that? I think that is the question I want all those people who put in harsh criticising articles in the media to seriously think about.