Great Expectations

In Great Expectations, Pip was treated a taste of wealth with the expectation of becoming a gentleman in the society. When things eventually did not work out and the reality was a lot colder than he expected, his life fell into ruins.

I was having drinks and chatting away with a few friends the other night. During the conversation, one of my friends told us that he recently signed up with an online dating website to try his luck with love. It has been a few months now. Apart from occasional messages with others, he hasn’t found anyone yet and he started to feel frustrated. The conversation led me thinking about the role of expectation in our lives again. Similar to Pip we consciously or unconsciously expected a lot of “things”, either on others or on ourselves. We live in a society that is so tightly knitted together now that sometimes it feels like we are just constantly spending our lives fulfilling each other’s expectations.

When we grew up we were expected to behave in certain ways (and sometimes rightly so) and eventually we learnt to build expectations on other people. When I was a kid, I expected to be rewarded whenever I did something good or did well in school, I expected to get good grades if I worked hard; I expected people to like me if I treated them well. Of course at the same time my parents expected me to behave like a responsible kid, expected me to do well in school and expected me to be generous and kind to other people. Life became a constant exchange of expectations with different parties. In an ideal world, this exchange of expectation would balance out each other and we would all be living in a rose garden. However, the reality is that a lot of times, the gaps between the expecting and the expected are so huge that it is just a void of endless disappointment.

So how much is too much when it comes to expectations? Or should we even attempt to expect anything? Or should we just stop expecting but start doing? In my friend’s case, of course I have heard a lot of success stories with online dating, and I had witnessed quite a few myself. But at the end of the day, we are dealing with real human beings no matter how virtual they sound on the website. Online dating website for me is a cluster of expectations being posted publicly hoping to achieve a balance with other expectations through the text of individual profiles. No matter how virtual the website is we are still dealing with reality here. Of course the chance of meeting the right person could be higher because expectations were laid bare on the profiles like products on the supermarket shelves. However, this still does not guarantee a fair exchange of expectations between individual members on the site and someone bound to be disappointed. At that time I suggested my friend to lower his expectations (in terms of success rate) so he would be less disappointed.

As rational as I might sound, I still had times that I put myself into dangerously bad positions when my own expectations failed me. For example, when I didn’t get into the law school I wanted after months of studying extremely hard, I nearly just gave up my study life right there and then. Eventually ration kicked in and I peeled myself off my bed again and registered for another course at the eleventh hour. That incident was a cold hard reality check that taught me I could work as hard as I could and expect as much as I wanted to, the truth is nothing is within my control. Expectations then started to become a reality check mechanism for me. They became outcomes or options I could expect, but then I would always need to have plan B, C and D to buffer my fall if my original expectation did not come into fruition. I also constantly remind myself I should expect less to be disappointed less. Does that mean I am immune to disappointment? Certainly not, I still get disappointed with myself, or things happening around me from time to time. But the time I needed to peel myself off my bed now is certainly shorter.

For some, the tactics of “Expecting less to be disappointed less” might sound a bit pessimistic. But for me it is a survival skill that pragmatically balances goals and ambitions with reality. The less painful the disappointments are, the higher the chances of me getting back on my feet and look for options to rectify the situation I am in to achieve my goals. 

Let the Music Play!

Been playing in a band for a local musical production lately. Originally seen as something to take my mind off things around me lately, it turned out to be a more enjoyable experience that I expected. The experience reminds me how much I missed music making, something that once played a huge part in my life.

I learned to play flute when I first started high school and since then it has become a part of me. I love music and have always been so (although I was so overdosed by my parents’ love for Beatles and Elvis that I became extremely rebellious against their music). Learning to play a musical instrument opened my eyes to how music came about and deepens my love for this art form. I spent most of my high school years playing music, practising music, and learning about music. Most of the afterschool and lunchtime activities circled around music.  Music always allows me to take my mind off things, at times unpleasant or stressful things, in my life. When I am playing music, it is all about the musical notes on the page and how to express them. It is no longer about me for the music comes first.

As I grew up and slowly moved towards adulthood, music seemed to have slowly faded away from my life. In the early years after high school, I still played music from time to time but certainly not as much. The university years were about setting myself up for a career, and music certainly was not one of the options for most Chinese kids in Hong Kong. I was even informed that if I wanted to take music as a minor, I would need to find my own money to do that. So music study was completely off the table. Once I started working, as with most other people, music became something I appreciate but no longer get involved. This is a bit ironic in a way that because my first ever pay cheque was obtained from playing music for a series of instant noodle commercials. At that time, my only channel to stay in touch with music was through the church choir where I sang as one of the few first tenors. But I never got as much kick out of it as I did in high school.

Participating in the band of this musical reminds me how much I missed this part of my life. In the band there are two young members who are currently studying music at the university. They told me how much they enjoyed the collaboration process with like-minded people day in day out.  Also there is a music teacher whose day job is to teach music, something she said she dearly loves. I never had a chance to study music in a structured way. I love it, so I play it and learn things I need to know along the way. Surely I studied music theory so I understood the complexity of this art form but I never had a chance to study music as a discipline. I did have an offer from a university to study music as a minor but as pointed out earlier, it was out of question from my parents’ point of view.

Music for me is something that you can appreciate as much as you want, but it is nothing compared to actually being part of it. I think this is similar to the theatre and me – I love going to the theatre but I prefer to be part of it.  There is nothing better than to feel the music from a first person perspective. The labour you put in to achieve the technical requirements is nothing but satisfying. The ability to hit a certain impossible note, or to achieve proficiency in a serious of ridiculous notes that could break your fingers because of the unrealistic fingering demand for the instrument are some of the reasons why making music is so addictive. I must admit that I was quite rusty when I first picked up my flute again and started practising for this musical (at times I was in panic because I felt like I had lost touch with the instrument). However, as the weeks went by, things started to come back and like a bush fire it just keeps on burning and burning. Certainly comparing to the professionals in the group, there is still a long way for me to go, but at least I know I would not be sinking the ship for them (hopefully). Also the comradeship in the group provided some much needed confidence for me understand that I do belong to this band.

I do not know how long this feeling would last when the show finishes in mid December, but for the time being, I want to enjoy this lost world of mine as much as possible and let the music continue to play on.

The Venetian Twins - Playing now at the New Theatre, Sydney, till 15 December

I am in the weekend band

One is not a Lonely Number

Was talking on the phone with a friend this morning. He said he avoided a dinner with his uncle last night because he was sick of being asked why he is still single. In a completely different context, I was having lunch with a few friends and we talked about going to the theatre and the cinema. I told them that I went to movies and plays by myself most of the time and one of them was shocked to the core. She asked me: “How can you do that? That is such a lonely experience!”

As we grow older, a lot of things were expected of us. We got slotted into doing different “suitable things” at different “suitable ages”. Obviously, some of my friends and I are in the bracket of getting married or having a family, if not seeing someone. Being still single and wandering around in the concrete social jungle by myself at this age suddenly became something that is inconceivable. My parents had long since given up the idea of asking me when I am going to settle down and get married. I remember when I last visited home for the Chinese New Year my grandaunt asked me, “Now you have bought your own property, are you ready to get married?” I looked at her, smiled, and said, “If I want to get married, I would find someone rich enough to buy me a property so I don’t need to have a mortgage.” A beautiful dodge of the bullet in my opinion and my grandaunt found it funny and couldn’t stop laughing.

My parents always said that getting married or settling down with someone is to avoid being lonely in the future. Well, there were a lot of people who eventually did not make it to the end, so I certainly could not see the correlation. In fact the society had evolved to a point that relationships between the two genders are no longer symbiotic. Marriage is an option but no longer a necessity. That is not to say the old system is completely out of the window but we surely do have a lot more options. Even when someone enters a marriage nowadays there are always ways out. For me if I entered a marriage I would not want a way out but the option is always sitting there if you need it. It’s like a fire exit that shows up when there is fire. The best scenario is a lasting marriage with both parties living happily “ever after”. I always admire them when I see elderly couples are still so in love with each other. However, the simple mortality of all living organisms would still eventually kick in leaving one party in limbo. Now I am not trying to be gloomy but death is a fact that nobody can escape. I have been to funerals witnessing someone’s loss of life partner. I certainly did not like the feeling of you getting used to someone for decades and that personal suddenly is not there anymore. How do you deal with that then?

My upbringing had made me into a very independent person. I can cook, and according to some, pretty well. I am very emotionally independent so rarely need a shoulder to cry on. Also as you went through different relationships you gradually know what you want and what you don’t want in a relationship. And some of my friends were telling me that my expectations are simply unrealistic and chances for me to find a life partner is almost zero. Mum and some friends did on different occasions asked me to lower down my expectations because according to them “they are not doing me any good relationship-wise”. However, for me I do enjoy my serenity of not having someone to nag me on things; I do think I like to be left alone as who I am; I do want to do things according to my heart not to some social or relationship conventions; and the list goes on. For me if these are too much to ask for then I would happily stay single and be myself.  I would rather live a life by myself and be happy instead of living my life with someone and compromise.

As for doing things by myself, I never see that as an issue until from time to time people bring them up. In my opinion, going to see a movie or a play, or going to a concert is a very personal experience. You experience the story being told by yourself and you feel the spirit of the music being played by yourself. It is not like you found a great CD and you want to share with the rest of the world. Experience in a theatre or an auditorium is completely yours and nobody else. So I cannot understand why people would call this a very lonely experience. Some people said that if you go with someone you could share the experience. Yes that is true but then that is after or in between shows. So it has nothing to do with the experience itself. Also nowadays, you don’t really need to have someone around to share with someone. Modern communication technologies have provided a lot more platforms for us to share our experience, views and ideas in an immediate manner. Surely it is nice to have a great dinner with friends, then theatre and then drinks, but are they all necessities? That is the question.

Do I sometimes feel lonely? Yeah I do but then isn’t that the same for everybody? I have heard people who are in relationships who feel extremely lonely. Loneliness is a personal feeling that creates a void that sometimes no amount of relationship or company can fill. It is a product from a particular pairing of a specific emotional and mental state of mind. No one can escape it – single or not. The question here is whether that kind of occasional loneliness warrants you to give up what you have now to look for something else? Certainly for some people it does and I genuinely feel happy for them. But for me at the moment I treasure for being who I want to be over being dictated by some occasional feelings that bubbled up in my chest out of nowhere.

That is not to say that I would not get married or go into a relationship. I am sure if someone comes along and “swept me off my feet” I would change my state of mind. But at the moment, one is not a lonely number and I do enjoy getting a table for one whenever I go out. 

Stage Politics

America had made history again with Obama winning a second term for the Presidential Office. The social media has exploded all over the world with people celebrating this historical success. Of course not everyone is happy. Donald Trump was especially upset about the win. From his tweets it seems that he will be a grumpy old man for another 4 years in his silver tower. He thought he has the eye of Sauron but he was wrong again.

The presidential race in America always attracts international attention. In Australia, news was all about the election in the last few days and sometimes I wonder whether I need to go to vote too. However, what I am interested in is more about how the “election show” was staged.

What I noticed during the whole campaign is that while Obama embraced cultural diversity Mitt Romney went the opposite way. It is no question that Mitt Romney, as a Republican candidate has to live up to the Republican’s expectations. However, at the same time, in my opinion, there are certain opinions that should be reserved to a few drinks in his house after an upper class belly fattening dinner. I found it even funnier when he once use Donald Trump’s “quotes” on birth certificate as a tag / gag line for his speech. When I read that I thought, “Oh come on you could have come up with something more original than using a quote from a guy who wears a toupee and enjoy firing people on TV”. I wonder what were his writers thinking? I am sure Mitt did not write all his speeches and that’s fair enough for he needs to reserve his arm for waving not writing. So the scriptwriters for his stage should have been more careful when there is a whole gang of them doing the job.  Even if Mitt Romney is not a good actor, with great writers, he could still turn a mediocre performance into a memorable act.  However, at times the team failed him and left him cold on stage and wet with press.

On the other hand, Obama was reaching out to embrace modern America. It was said that Obama did not only get the African Americans vote, but he was popular among Latinos and Asians, who are some of the larges racial groups in America. Even in his victory speech, Obama reached out to everyone in America disregard race, politics and sexual orientation. This is a President who attempted to not only represent the Democrats, nor just his ethnic group but also everyone in the house. Of course, not everyone would take the bait but at least he made the gesture, and I think that is very important. Without a doubt, Obama is a great performer and speaker. When he walks on the stage, he commands it. Of course even the best actor would have bad days. The first round debate with Romney was one of them. But then it was a Wednesday night so from a theatre point of view, performances are usually a bit flat.

What I saw in the last week or so of frantic campaigning by the two leading figures is there are still people who represent extreme conservative views in the modern world. Republicans believe in the glory of the country no matter what, even at the expense of others. Politics is a dirty game we all know that but for me a party who only sees the glory of being glorified and stays in the time capsule of the past cannot really lead anyone into the future, no matter what they said. They are like green actors trying to perform classic texts without understanding them so they just took the face value they believed in and made a show of it. In my opinion, a true leader is someone who sees an opportunity that could realise his vision and go for it. These people own the political stage because their performances were tied in with their choices and they believe in their choices. Obama is one of them. There were criticisms about the economy in the States but I always found it interesting that the Republicans forgot who brought the States into the current financial turbulence because of over deregulation among peers. Obama inherited a country in economic tatters and it was a tough gig. So I am glad that he got four more years to fix the country. The pity is that he might spend most of the time fixing instead of building. Nonetheless, I have the confidence that he would materialise his vision as much as possible.

As for Australia, I believe we are still going through a phase that nobody can be the star so we got B grade actors filling in. Our major party leaders still have a lot to learn from the real politicians in the States. The Liberals are not liberal in thinking and that was completely reflected in Tony Abott’s behaviours and speeches. Sometimes I think they should rename their party to Narrows. And as for the Labor, they are simply laborious to watch and listen to. Seriously Julia Gillard needs to fix her sinus problem or get some good voice training. Maybe she should take some corporate performance classes from the NIDA open program. I am sure Lynne Williams would love to give her a discount so she could put Julia’s picture in the foyer as an honourable patron.

The election fever would eventually die down in the next few days. It will be another four years before we watch this whole show again. In the mean time, I just hope that the Australian election would be more tolerable to watch. But then who am I to complain? At least we have freedom and democracy. Otherwise this post would not even exist.

From Gangnam Style to ...

Psy’s “Gangnam Style” song had put the Asian pop music culture back on to the international entertainment radar.  At the moment there seems to be no stop to how far this song could go. A lot of people found the “horse riding” dance steps very funny and entertaining. Gangnam Flash Mobs popped up all over the place. In Australia, this song is still occupying the top spot of the single chart after 4 weeks. Because of this Psy has been tracking around the globe doing his “signature dance”. Everywhere he goes, people just couldn’t seem to have enough of him.

However, for me, what I am interested in is what happens after the Gangnam phenomenon? At the moment, Psy, himself a very accomplished artist in Korea, is just performing this one song because this is what the audience want. For me, I think it is extremely dangerous because people like this song simply because it is funny. The tunes are catchy that is no doubt but it was because of the funny dance steps that attracted millions and millions of people’s attention. As good as this sounds, I do worry that this song might unconsciously further pigeon hole Asian pop music culture around the world in all the wrong ways.

I cannot remember when was last time another Asian singer made it that big internationally.  Coco Lee is one of the few artists that made it internationally, thanks to her theme song in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”.  However, I did not remember that she had ever reached the “International acclaim” as Psy did. Faye Wong was huge in the Asia Pacific region but she never really did make it into the western market even with the success of the Final Fantasy XIII theme song “Eyes on Me”. Please note that both artists are not well known for singing catchy pop songs complete with funny dance steps. In fact both of them were very influenced by the western music culture. Coco herself being American Chinese was heavily westernised in style and the European music scene heavily influenced Faye Wong. Also from Korea, Wonder Girls’ “Nobody” made some ripples across the music scene but still nowhere near what Gangnam Style has achieved.

Psy said he was surprised and got caught off guard by the popularity of the song as the music video was made for fan service. What interests me is that would the “Gangnam Style” song help Psy selling more albums internationally? Or it would remain as a one hit wonder for him internationally? When you look at the charts, the song is topping all single charts but the album that holds this single is nowhere to be seen. This means that while people are interested in the “Gangnam Style” song, they were not interested in his music as a whole. This saddens me in a way that this means Psy’s popularity in the international music scene is still pretty much compartmentalised. It is a pity that this song did not take his music as a whole further. Some people might argue that this could be because of the language barrier. That could be a factor but then Edith Piaf sang in French most of her career and that didn’t stop her from being treated as an internationally acclaimed artist.

What I hope to see is that “Gangnam Style” helps to open up people’s curiosity about the Asian pop music culture and thus helps evolving the music industry as a whole. What I do not want to see is that “Gangnam Style” just went down in history as a “once funny Asian pop song with funny dance steps”. And at the moment it seems to me it is more of the latter than the former.

Death of a Salesman

Went to the Belvoir production of “Death of a Salesman” the other night. Despite two sold out seasons, the play had triggered a controversy over the removal of the final scene of the play and the changing of an essential plot line. As an actor and a dramaturg, I did not want to jump to the conclusion too quickly before I have a chance to see the production, especially when we are talking about one of the most important plays by Arthur Miller in the modern world.  

In Belvoir’s production of “Death of a Salesman” a car replaced the house on the stage. All the actions took place in a garage like convertible empty space. Yes there is nothing but a car on the stage. This is fair enough as the car was pivotal to the plot because Willy was trying to stop travelling across states for his job. Also empty multi-purpose space provides a lot more flexibility in terms of how the stage can be used without limiting the imagination of the audience.

The play then pretty much followed the plot line of the script. Things were being tweaked here and there to suit the setting of the stage and most of them were tackled smartly. Then came the last scene of the play (spoiler alert if you haven’t read or seen the play) when Willy gassed himself to death in the car. In the production that I saw Belvoir already reinstated the final funeral scene as per instruction from the agency handling the rights of the play. The curtain came down and some of the audiences were applauding, which was a bit awkward, before the rest of the cast showed up in black and delivered the last scene. There was not much staging, just actors standing there delivering the lines and walked off one by one.

Watching this unfolding on the stage I understood why Belvoir decided to cut the final scene. The way they handled the death of Willy made the final scene completely contradictory to the previous scene. In the original text, it was implied that Willy killed himself but there was no proof thus the insurance company paid out the compensation to the family. However, with Belvoir’s way of handling Willy’s death, there is no way that a pay out would be provided because it was an obvious suicide. Under such circumstance, I can understand why Belvoir decided to take out the last scene, because everything would not make sense.

However, this leads to the question of how much liberty do we have when reinterpreting classic materials. Easily said, “Death of the Salesman” is one of the most influential plays of the modern times and each scene was closely linked to each other. In Belvoir’s case, the decision to completely remove the final scene to accommodate the treatment of Willy’s death raised an important question – is this a pure artistic vision or are they tampering with the canon of the material? For me there is a main difference between the two and the most important consideration is whether the “vision” compromises the material.   In Belvoir’s case, as good as the vision was, it compromised the material. If it is not “Death of a Salesman” maybe they can still get away with it. But then when it comes to a prominent play as such, I am not surprised the agency poses threats to Belvoir on their rights to use their materials in the future, because they are responsible for keeping the integrity of the material no matter what. There are still people who haven’t read or seen the play (one of my friends who went with me was one of them), so it is the duty of the agency to make sure that everyone who went to see the production see it as it was originally written and intended, disregarding whatever artistic visions were applied.

This might just be a storm in a teacup but this does serves as a reminder to a lot of people that when being creative, they still need to consider the material in full. Having said that I still enjoyed my night out with “Death of a Salesman”

"No I Don't Act" - NIDA Neither ACT 2

Went to the Currency House launch of the Platform Paper “Changing Times at NIDA” tonight. It was great to see all the familiar faces in one room again. There were lots of greetings and lots of catching up around the room. It was a night of mixed emotions as people remembered the good old days working together and the current state of their once dedicated drama school. However what is more important is that it was a night of Who’s Who in acting training in Australia.

At the opening of the event, Katherine Brisbane mentioned that someone informed her that there was a direction from NIDA’s current management saying whoever attended tonight’s function will never be employed by NIDA again. Well so much for freedom of actions from a school that was supposed to produce independent thinking artists. Also for me that means I can tick NIDA off as one of my potential employers. The event was a risky one as NIDA previously had sent its lawyer to intimidate the publication of the paper. Lucky enough, Currency House could afford its own lawyers to make sure that foul plays cannot play foul in this whole episode.

Jeremy Sims, a notable NIDA graduate made a speech about how NIDA was in the past and his experience and years at NIDA himself. He mentioned about NIDA means “No I Don’t Act” as contrast to what seems to be something very different now in modern NIDA. He mentioned that only 4 of his acting course classmates continued to work as actors but they all contribute to the art industry in various ways and that’s the value they got out of NIDA. He joked about he used to be told that NIDA was much simpler when it was in the old school but then it seemed that now he is in a position to tell others that his NIDA was a lot simpler back then. It was a brilliant speech, but of course now he would probably go on to the black list managed by the current management.

The focus of the night was of course Chris Puplick himself. Being on the Board of NIDA from 1994-1997 and 2007-2010, and himself had an outstanding career in arts including being the inaugural chair of the National Film Sound and Archive, Chris has a passion for the Australian art industry. I still remembered that whenever I went to a NIDA production, there was a high chance that I would see him talking to students and tried to understand them. So it is a pity that now I heard the current NIDA management had banned him completely to attend events at the school. In his speech he raised a few questions, all could be read from his paper, and in between stops there were responses from the audience hailing the points he made. As an audience member, I was impressed by the depths of knowledge he has with the school and could understand where he came from. In fact the fact that NIDA refused to write a responding paper and accused Katherine Brisbane, who spent her lifetime helped sculpting the Australian performing arts landscape, as a person who is bias and had no good intentions, highlighted how insecure the current NIDA management felt about this paper.

There was Q&A after Chris’ speech. At first it was a moment of silence in the room, resembling a brief moment of mourning over the dead. Then the first hand was raised, and the discussion snowballed. Among them were graduates and ex-staff members – all risking their future with the dramatic drama school. Discussions ranged from a comparison between a similar paper with VCA but the difference in reaction; and what is the role of NIDA as a federally funded drama school – is it training future theatrical practitioners that help shaping the Australian culture or it is about producing disposable pretty face bodies for television? The discussion was passionate and sometimes emotional as there were tears in some people's eyes as the night went on. Then some ex-Board members came forward and pointed out the confrontational nature of the paper and the negativism in the room. One other ex-Board member also pointed out that NIDA needed to change to survive. Their statements were replied with “it’s not about the change but how the change was brought forward – and in this case through dumping of current staff and bullying some out of their jobs” (52 out of 76 existing staff members left since the current NIDA management took over). There were some debates going on between the ex-Board member group and the graduate and ex-staff member group.

Finally I felt compelled to bring forward my view. As a person who observed the unfolding of the whole saga from its start but without being involved in it myself, I did think that I might be able to present a fairer view. I expressed that no matter what, I saw that a paper was compiled bringing a number of points to the table and asking for actions to rectify the situation. So I expected the NIDA current management to come out and rebuttal these points one by one if reason is on their side. However, as I observed and read, all I could hear so far were name-calling and personal attacks. I said the points brought forward might feel confrontational but then I believe that if reason is on the NIDA side, they could bring their own arguments forward to deconstruct these points. Further, I told these ex-Board members that there might be a sense of negativism in the house, but then if they were not staff members at the time when all these happened at ground zero, how could they claim they understood the situation? I told them that you have to be at the bush fire to feel the heat. Accusations of ex-staff members being bitter and negative could not stand if they did not know what they actually went through under the current management. There is no question that the room was divided but then for me it was the difference between “perceiving the situation” and “experiencing the situation”. On my way home I did wonder how many of these ex-Board members did actually actively engage in the business of the school if they were so blind about what was going on – especially when at one stage there were formal complaints about staff bullying at the school?

The launch event was bitter sweet – bitter because of how the current NIDA management adopted the white terror tactics to stop people from going to the event, sweet in the sense of being able to see all these great and talented teachers in one room again. All of them have moved on to better things but then the question still lingers on – has NIDA passed its prime? Would the current management eventually turned out to be the brain tumour of the organisation? That remained to be seen and uncovered. But one thing for sure is that there are a lot of people who are willing to see the downfall of NIDA so that they can take over the crown. The Australian art industry is small and getting more and more competitive everyday. Any misstep could cost dearly, but would the current NIDA management care about that? Or it is just another plaything in their box, or even worse just another item on their CV to brag about? Would NIDA go from “No I Don’t Act” to “No I Don’t Care”? That is remained to be seen too.